God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
In our pursuit to be happy, we forget sometimes just how messy life could be. And it is the messy times that make the beautiful times even more sweeter. My late husband Mike has been on my mind more than usual. This is the time of year that we loved to sit on the deck having a glass of wine and just simply enjoying each other's company. For us it was not really about the things we did together, but it was about the company that we kept with each other. During his painful dark days, there were moments where he would reach out from his chair and we would touch fingertips. For Mike most touch had become painful. A caress could feel like jolts going across his skin. It is so very hard to love someone and not be able to touch them. I could not initiate the touch, he had to because only he knew when it would not hurt. I longed for those moments when he would pull me into his arms. Mike was a head taller than me and there was something about being encircled by his arms with his chin resting on my head and the only sound that I could hear was that of his heart beating. I love that sometimes in a dream I can relive that moment.
Through our most difficult times is often when we are closer to God than ever. I can attest to this on more than one occasion in my life, but I know that our marriage was truly a cord of three: me, Mike, and God. We prayed together. We studied together and we just talked together. Sometimes when I was overwhelmed, I would go take a shower. For underneath the spray of the water, I could cry out to God and he would hear me. He would give me strength and then I could return to being Mike's wife. It is hard to be married to someone who is dying, but it is even harder living without them. Occasionally I do get discouraged and I do feel sorry for myself and then I have to look to my memories. For with my memories comes thankfulness. I am truly thankful for the time that we had and the blessing that my dear sweet husband was and continues to be to this very day.
