Surprise

Many grief books liken grief to being steps that you go through. But anyone who has gone through grieving knows better. It is not a neat little package and you don't grieve for a certain number of months and then poof everything goes back to normal. For normal will never again be what it once was. Grief is not nice and orderly. It is more like the waves of the ocean. Sometimes grief is gentle and sometimes it is like a hurricane. You never really know what is coming at you, there is no weather forecast to prepare you. Grief can come upon you quickly and surprise you.

This morning I attempted to print to my printer through wifi. According to all the settings, it should have worked, but there my document sits in the queue. So I thought, I'll just plug the printer directly into my laptop. As I disconnected the cord, there was a piece of tape with the word, printer written on it. There in Mike's handwriting, forever the organized always wanting to be sure that things did not get mixed up when moved was his writing. It surprised me because I did not expect it. I waited for the tears to come, but instead of the intense sadness that these surprises have brought me in the past, all I could do was smile and remember the man I love. You may vow til death do you part, but the love does not go away. It resides in your heart.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Taken from E.E. Cummings: I Carry Your Heart With Me

God Hears A Melody

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

In our pursuit to be happy, we forget sometimes just how messy life could be. And it is the messy times that make the beautiful times even more sweeter. My late husband Mike has been on my mind more than usual. This is the time of year that we loved to sit on the deck having a glass of wine and just simply enjoying each other's company. For us it was not really about the things we did together, but it was about the company that we kept with each other. During his painful dark days, there were moments where he would reach out from his chair and we would touch fingertips. For Mike most touch had become painful. A caress could feel like jolts going across his skin. It is so very hard to love someone and not be able to touch them. I could not initiate the touch, he had to because only he knew when it would not hurt. I longed for those moments when he would pull me into his arms. Mike was a head taller than me and there was something about being encircled by his arms with his chin resting on my head and the only sound that I could hear was that of his heart beating. I love that sometimes in a dream I can relive that moment.

Through our most difficult times is often when we are closer to God than ever. I can attest to this on more than one occasion in my life, but I know that our marriage was truly a cord of three: me, Mike, and God. We prayed together. We studied together and we just talked together. Sometimes when I was overwhelmed, I would go take a shower. For underneath the spray of the water, I could cry out to God and he would hear me. He would give me strength and then I could return to being Mike's wife. It is hard to be married to someone who is dying, but it is even harder living without them. Occasionally I do get discouraged and I do feel sorry for myself and then I have to look to my memories. For with my memories comes thankfulness. I am truly thankful for the time that we had and the blessing that my dear sweet husband was and continues to be to this very day.