Surprise

Many grief books liken grief to being steps that you go through. But anyone who has gone through grieving knows better. It is not a neat little package and you don't grieve for a certain number of months and then poof everything goes back to normal. For normal will never again be what it once was. Grief is not nice and orderly. It is more like the waves of the ocean. Sometimes grief is gentle and sometimes it is like a hurricane. You never really know what is coming at you, there is no weather forecast to prepare you. Grief can come upon you quickly and surprise you.

This morning I attempted to print to my printer through wifi. According to all the settings, it should have worked, but there my document sits in the queue. So I thought, I'll just plug the printer directly into my laptop. As I disconnected the cord, there was a piece of tape with the word, printer written on it. There in Mike's handwriting, forever the organized always wanting to be sure that things did not get mixed up when moved was his writing. It surprised me because I did not expect it. I waited for the tears to come, but instead of the intense sadness that these surprises have brought me in the past, all I could do was smile and remember the man I love. You may vow til death do you part, but the love does not go away. It resides in your heart.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Taken from E.E. Cummings: I Carry Your Heart With Me