Why Me?

Yesterday I went to a wedding. There are times as a widow when you feel more alone than others. Although I was surrounded by people, I felt alone. I was feeling sorry for myself. I had a wonderful husband, but only for a little while. Why did God take him? Why not someone else? I went home alone. I watched Ghost and Dirty Dancing mostly just because I knew that somewhere out there someone else feels my pain. It is like a membership to this terrible club that you wish you were chosen especially for because you meet all the right criteria, which is that you have lost your spouse. Why me?

Today in church, which God has wonderful timing, our preacher spoke about prayer and how sometimes prayers are not answered the way that we wish for. I did pray for husband to live, but he died.

I used to hate when someone would find out that Mike had cancer and they would callously say but we're all dying. But the difference was that Mike had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. It was a fact that his days seemed more numbered than most of it. Of course it was also this fact that allowed him to live in a way that he had never before. He did not have to worry that stocks were plummeting and that his 401K plan had lost significant value. He actually laughed about it, which was something he would have never been able to do before. In the grand scheme of things it did not really matter.

But what did matter?

The times that we spent sitting out on the deck enjoying the evenings. The times we spent with family and friends. The trip we took to Virginia to visit his sister and her family. The trip he took to Tennessee to visit his other sister and her family. The average, ordinary days that we spent with one another. Those memories are precious. 

What did I get out of such a short marriage?

I got a relationship with a wonderful, loving man who showed me what real love between a man and a woman is supposed to be. And yet I got an even greater gift because I also got a better relationship with God. And although there are times when I physically feel so very alone, I know that I never truly am.