Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Widow's Walk: What Will Make You Feel Better?

Many years ago, my son had his first broken heart. His girlfriend had been seeing someone else and they broke up. He knew the relationship was over because the trust was gone. My brother was talking to him and I thought trying to console him.

"Do you know what will make you feel better?" my brother said.

"What?" my son replied with hope in his voice.

"Nothing," said my brother.

And of course I went into full protective Mama mode and almost intervened. But then my brother told my son about his own first broken heart and how devestated he was. Everything he once enjoyed now carried a stigma with it, some reference to her - the one who broke his heart. But slowly things changed. He could laugh again, listen to music, watch movies, hang out with his friends, and all the things that teenage boys do. It just took time.

You can't rush it. Finding someone else immediately only dulls your pain. It is still there. Sure you may forget for a little while, but it comes back. You're not helping yourself by not giving your emotions the proper time to adjust.

After Mike died, I waited for that magical day. Everyone said a year and a day. Well, it came and went and I felt just as bad as I did before. Grief does not have a timeline.

So if you're hurting, do you know what will make you feel better?

Nothing. At least not immediately.

Take care of yourself.

Do the things you are supposed to.

Find little things to keep you busy - not major obsessions. Sometimes in the evenings, in the quiet house, I would turn on the television for background noise, brew a pot of coffee (to remember Mike by - coffee was his favorite, he drank it all day long, I prefer tea or Diet Coke), and I would work jigsaw puzzles. I'm not saying this will work for you, but it did for me.

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